i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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