We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
