i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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