when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
