her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you would pick up someone in the library
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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