just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
