We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
