Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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