From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
