making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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