god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
