She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
