mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
