oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
