moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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