Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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