I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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