I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
