Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
