My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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