How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize