You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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