oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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