Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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