my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
