he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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