sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
