Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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