i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
