so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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