He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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