Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please, let me fuck your mom
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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