I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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