My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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