I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
