I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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