just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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