I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
