I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
