i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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