I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
