this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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