If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
