what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
