whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
