Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
