Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
