I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
