We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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