Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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