I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize