True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
