True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
