I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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