dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i believe in u and ur pee
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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