The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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