The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
