His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Im part way to drunk.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
